Meet the Board
Elected by a quorum of eleven people at a meeting nobody else knew about. Serving terms of indeterminate length. Every one of them entirely fictional.
The board, as currently seated
Sammy Lagar III
Rock & Roll Division
Best known for the 1994 protest anthem “I Can’t HOA 55,” a searing indictment of the community speed limit. Ran for president on a single platform: raising it to 25. Lost. Wrote a follow-up.
Signature move: revving a golf cart at a stop sign he personally lobbied to remove.
Niño Roca (aka: Kid Roc)
Events & Fourth of July
Runs the holiday committee with a fog machine and an unshakable belief that the clubhouse has a pyrotechnics permit. It does not. It has never had one.
Signature move: announcing the block party over a PA system nobody approved.
Ozzy Osmorn (Name Translated from Old English: “one who speaks, but I do not understand”)
Motions, Minutes & Points of Order
Nine years on the board and not one word of it on the record. Makes the motion, seconds his own motion, and calls the vote, all in a single unbroken sentence nobody has ever successfully interrupted.
Signature move: carrying a measure 7–0 that no one present can repeat.
Brenda
Enforcement
Measures lawn height using a credit card at 1:00 AM. Once declared a yard “recklessly green” and impounded a child’s tricycle for blocking the airspace of the sidewalk.
Signature move: the 6:02 AM door knock, four minutes after astronomical dawn.
Jill
Finance & Fines
Cited House #104 for leaving recycling bins out at 7:01 PM, then spent twenty minutes attempting to ticket a decorative lawn gnome she believed to be a trespassing contractor.
Signature move: the itemized invoice with a line item nobody can explain.
Karen
Sub-Committee on Luminary Order
Times porch lanterns with a digital stopwatch and a calibrated light meter. Leaves high-visibility orange warning stickers directly over smart doorbell cameras.
Signature move: “unauthorized residual glare.”
Gary
Architectural Review
Shined a tactical flashlight into a garage for forty-five minutes, arguing that a white SUV was actually “eggshell” and violated the beige-only driveway code.
Signature move: an eighteen-month review of a mailbox.
Dale
Drone & Camera Operations
Acquired air support without a vote. Maintains a hangar in a garage that is itself in violation of the storage covenant.
Signature move: “HOA drone patrol activated.”
Debra
Youth Deterrence
Can detect a skateboard at 300 yards. Has extended adult swim to twenty-four hours a day on three separate occasions.
Signature move: asking a fourteen-year-old whose guest he is.
Ricardo
Unaffiliated
Moved in eleven days ago. Has already received four notices, two of which contradict each other. Genuinely does not know what he did.
Signature move: reading the CC&Rs cover to cover, then reading them again.
The Goose
Occupying Force
Does not recognize the authority of this board. Has never paid dues. Has no intention of paying dues. Cannot be cited, fined, towed, or reasoned with.
Signature move: standing in the road and blocking 100% of traffic at the front of the neighborhood.
Open seats
The board is always recruiting, which should tell you something. If you want to join the universe — as a character, a voice, or a story we turn into one — send us your HOA story or try out for the HOA Inspectors.
Everyone on this page is invented. Any resemblance to your actual board president is a coincidence, and also the entire point.