Public Awareness
FOTA /ˈfoh-tuh/
Fear Of TeenAgers. A condition affecting HOA board members nationwide, typically presenting between the hours of 3:00 PM and dusk, and acutely near any body of water.
⚠ FOTA ALERT — UNAUTHORIZED YOUTH ACTIVITY DETECTED
LOCATION: COMMUNITY POND
Symptoms
- Elevated heart rate at the sound of a skateboard
- Compulsive counting of teenagers per square foot of common area
- An urgent need to know whose guest they are
- Belief that a group of four constitutes “a gathering” requiring clubhouse reservation
- Reaching for a laminated pool-rules card that is not there
- Describing a bicycle as “a vehicle” in an official document
Known triggers
The Pond
A teenager holding a fishing rod near a retention basin is, in the clinical literature, the single most reliable trigger of an acute FOTA episode.
The Pool
Adult swim has quietly been extended to twenty-four hours a day in several documented cases.
The Basketball Hoop
Portable, therefore a structure. A structure, therefore subject to architectural review.
Response protocol
- Do not approach the teenagers. They can sense a lanyard.
- Do not deploy the drone. The drone escalates.
- Put down the margarita. This is the hard one.
- Remember that you were, at one point, also a teenager near a pond.
- Go home.
FOTA merchandise is available in the store. Wearing it does not cure FOTA but it does help others identify you.
The FOTA files
Documented incidents at the pond and pool.
